Drunk Monk
rrProfessor
Location: Preston, UK
| A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."
"Where are you from, son?"
"Texas, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."
"No ****???" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender - "Get everyone here a drink on me, and get one for yourself too!"
The bartender pours a round of drinks, including one for himself, then says to the drunk "That will be $45."
The drunk said - "I don't have any money!"
The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up.
The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself, too."
The bartender thinks, this guy can't be that stupid to come in here two nights in a row with no money, so he pours a round, has one himself, bumps the guy and says "That will be $50."
The drunk says "I don't have any money!".
The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up again.
The next night, same drunk walks into the bar and tells the bartender to get a round for everyone.
The bartender says, "What? not one for myself?"
The drunk replied, "Heck no, you get too mean when you drink!"
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A man left work Friday afternoon, but, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his paycheck without telling his wife.
When he appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry spouse, who barraged him for two hours with a tirade of yelling.
Finally, she stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Stephen
I only open my mouth to change feet..... |
