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Off Topics Jokes-Puzzles-Riddles > Birthday

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

Don't know if this is an oldie, but here we go.

Rich man says, I bought my wife a BMW and a diamond ring for her birthday, that way, if she dosn't like the ring, she can take it back to the shop in the BMW. Poor man says, I bought mine a dildo and a pair of slippers, that way, if she dosn't like the slippers, she can go fcuk herself.

And then some
A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any bread?"
"No" said the barman, "we dont sell bread"
"Got any bread" said the duck
"No, we dont sell it" said the barman
"Got any bread then?" the duck asked again
"Right, we dont sell ing bread, if you ask me again il nail your ing beak to the ing bar" The barman screamed losing his temper.
"Got any nails?" the duck asked
"NO,for gods sake....." replied the barman with his fists clenched

"Got any bread then"

+++

The only thing that the Government has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2007 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10"- 12" Luxury Tax
8"- 10" Pole Tax
5"- 8" Privilege Tax
4"- 5" Nuisance Tax

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. No Extensions

Note:

We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

- Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
- What if one's penis is self employed?
- Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
- Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
- Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

+++

A little bunny rabbit was out on his daily run through the Jungle..

He comes across the Elephant, who is smoking a joint.

Hey mister Elephant, thats bad for you, come running with me.

So the Elephant puts out his spliff and the two of them go running through the jungle, they come across the Giraffe, who's doing coke.

Hey mister Giraffe, thats bad for you, come runnign with us

So the the Giraffe puts his mirror and razor away and the three of them go running through the jungle, they come across the Lion, and the lion is injecting Heroin.

Hey mister Lion, the Rabbit says, thats bad for you, come running with us.

The lion puts his needle down, walks calmly over to the rabbit and beats two shades of **** out of him.

The Giraffe and Elephant look at each other and go, hey Mister Lion, what you doing, he was just being nice,

The Lion replie, Everytime that Fking rabbit is on E, he makes me run round the jungle like an idiot!!!

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-23-2008 11:20 PM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full.

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-23-2008 11:54 PM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence;

"Well, stop fu<king doing it then."

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-23-2008 11:57 PM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

What does Elton John and a sportsboat have in common?

They've both had a Mercury in the rear.....

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-23-2008 11:58 PM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing.""

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-23-2008 11:59 PM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

Gary Glitter is walking along the cliffside when he sees a little boy looking down the cliff miserably. He goes up to boy and asks "What's wrong?"

The little boy points down the cliff where there's a huge, smoking car wreck.

Gary says to the boy "Were your mummy and daddy in that car?"

The little boy nods "And granny and grandpa."

Gary drops his trousers and says "Looks like it's just not your lucky day, is it?"

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:00 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

A lady takes her parrot along to the vet as it has been a tad unwell. The vet looks at the parrot and advises that sadly the parrot is dead, deceased, and no longer in the land of the living. The lady loves the parrot so much that she cannot bring herself to accept the vet's diagnosis and so demands a second opinion. The vet leaves the consultation room, and returns with a Labrador. The Labrador looks at the parrot and shakes his head at the vet. The vet takes the Labrador out of the room and returns again, but this time with a cat. The cat looks the parrot up and down and then meets the eyes of the vet and lowers his head. The vet takes the cat out of the consulting room and returns again, but this time alone. The Lady asks for the second opinion again, and the vet says the second opinion is the same as the first and asks for £150 to cover his fees. The lady disputes the charge, to which the vet replies it would have been £10 but for the lab report and the cat-scan.

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:06 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercome, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercome and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was taling to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in the back yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:07 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:09 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

Bloke walks into pub and asks for a packet of helicopter crisps.
Barman says sorry mate we only sell plain

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:09 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and
smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside
and says:
"You're next, fatty."

********************************

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is
lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:11 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:13 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

Hope I want get pinked

A little girl runs crying to her mother asking for a glass of cider. Why do you want a glass of cider, asks her mum. I've cut my hand on a thorn says the little girl, and I heard my big sister saying that every time she gets a prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider...

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:15 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

Carol's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter standing in line. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Carol told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied..."I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted.

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:16 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet , and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Priceless!

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:17 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on the plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.

"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I suppose that'd be alright.

What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, "says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How about nuclear proliferation?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first.

Now horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know ****?"

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:21 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year school children, using a bowl of fruit Polo's. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say: "Red............cherry," "Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime," "Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! ...........................
They're arse-holes!!"

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:22 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

HAND WARMER

AN AMISH WOMAN AND HER DAUGHTER WERE RIDING IN AN OLD BUGGY ONE COLD BLUSTARY DAY THE DAUGHTER SAID TO HER MOTHER MY HANDS ARE FREEEZING COLD THE MOTHER REPLYED PUT THEM BETWEEN YOU LEGS YOUR BODY HEAT WILL WARM THEM UP.

THE DAUGHTER DID AND HER HANDS WARMED UP

THE NEXT DAY THE DAUGHTER WAS RIDING WITH HER BOY FRIEND WHO SAID MY HANDS ARE FREZZING COLD THE GIRL REPLYED PUT THEM BETWEEN MY LEGS THE WARMTH OF MY BODY WILL WARM THEM UP

HE DID AND IT WARMED HIS HANDS

THE FOLLOWING DAY THE BOYFRIEND WAS AGAIN IN THE BUGGY WITH THE DAUGHTER HE SAID HIS NOSE IS COLD THE GIRL REPLYED PUT IT BETWEEN MY LEGS THE WARMTH OF MY BODY WILL WARM IT UP

HE DID AND IT WARMED HIS NOSE

THE NEXT DAY THE BOYFRIEND WAS AGAIN DRIVING WITH THE DAUGHTER AND HE SAID HIS PENIS IS FROZEN SOLID

THE FOLLOWING DAY THE DAUGHTER DRIVING IN THE BUGGY WITH HER MOTHER AND SHE SAYS TO HER MOTHER HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A PENIS?

SLIGHTLY CONCERNED THE MOTHER SAID WHY YES WHY DO YOU ASK

THE DAUGHTER REPLYED THEY MAKE ONE HELL OF A MESS WHEN THEY DEFROST DON'T THEY!!!

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:24 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:25 AM

Tintin
Veteran
Location: Akershus, Norway

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the
sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it.

Supposedly a leftie :-)

05-24-2008 12:26 AM

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