Ted Toth
Elite Veteran
Location: Myrtle Beach S.C.
| 1.You laugh when a friend thinks he can visit your house with a two-wheel drive car.
2.You ever have been stuck in your driveway with your four-wheel drive truck in the middle of summer.
3.You as a baby went too sleep to the soothing sound of your dad stripping down one of his guns and putting it back together.
4.You have heard trial bikers call your front yard "the ultimate challenge".
5.You have taken a bath in the backyard tub, and hurt yourself on the lawnmower that lay hidden under the surface.
6.Your family doctor is also a vet.
7.You ever have been taken to the hospital for "beer elbow" pains.
8.Your backyard is being used by navy seals during "Hell week".
9.You are frequently being offered big sums of money by your neighbors, to move out of the state.
10.You have sought a patent for "the window screen that doubles as a cooling surface for waffles".
11.You list your sex as "bastard" on welfare forms.
12. You think: "what's so special about the living conditions on that survivor island"?
13.You only have a need for one spare part for the plumbing in your house...an extra bucket.
14.You throw a beer can on the floor and later you can't find it, because it's the same brand as all the other ones.
15.Your dentist always brings groups of children to your appointments, and then uses you in his lectures about tooth decay.
16.You think "the good book" is "the do's and don'ts of coon hunting while **** faced", by Bubba John JR.
17.You prompt your new wife to change her name to Betty, "cuz that's the name of your bass boat".
18.You practice "the noble art" of spitting tobacco at roaches...indoors.
19.Your dream car would have a refrigerator big enough for five six-packs, a gun rack that holds twelve guns and an automatic grit cooker.
20.You are on a first name basis with all the state troopers.
21.You really DO use a semiautomatic rifle for hunting, just as the NRA claims people do.
22.Your mom was named customer of the year at the VD clinic, followed closely by your five sisters.
23.You had to share your meals with several other "customers" while you were breast-feeding.
24.Your absolute dream food would be: deep-fried beer.
25.You get three wishes, and you wish for: 1. A lifetime's supply of beer. 2. A lifetime's supply of ammo. 3. More beer and ammo.
26.You think hoof-and-mouth disease is a form of VD.
27.You tell your barber to "just cut along the edge of the baseball cap as usual".
28.You think Gatorade is another word for crocodile attack.
29.Your going on a date and there's no hair pomade left, but there's Crisco in the kitchen, so no problem!
30.Your dentist has two businesses: dentistry and woodcarving, but only one set of tools.
31.Your house is A-bomb proofed and so is your outhouse.
32.You have lost twelve percent of your kinfolk to hurricanes and ten percent to gator attacks.
33.You think a minority group member is someone that doesn't hunt coons.
34.You proudly tell all your friends that there's a relative of yours that's got a high school diploma.
35.You brought store-bought grits to a family gathering, now your shunned by them.
36.Your mother taught you that standing up to your neck in manure for one hour a week "will heal all that ails you".
37.You've been a recurring guest on Rickie Lake.
38.Your first words as a baby was: maw, paw, and bail money.
39.You thought a sheriff's deputy was the same as a taxi driver growing up.
40.You thought all dads spend their holidays in rooms with bars on the windows.
41.You wondered why your moms trailer had to be inspected several times a day, and you were never allowed to stay and watch.
42.You thought every household had a big jar of condoms inside the front door growing up.
43.You think "that NRA organization" is too liberal for you to join it.
44.You scream: gun control! Or: federal agency! When you accidentally strike your thumb while re roofing your outhouse.
45.You grew up thinking the devil was the director of the ATF.
46.You have a t-shirt that says "survivor of Ruby ridge".
47.You ask for a gun rack in your rental car.
48.You have ever made a booty call to your sister.
49.You and your dad share a girlfriend.
50.You come to think of last week's BBQ when u sight a road kill.
51.Your school case included a snakebite kit.
52.You refer to the UN as: "them world domination bastards"!
53.You think Jeff Foxworthy MUST have met your family "since he knows all about them".
54.Your mom used to pack two Buds and a Twinkie in your third grade lunch boxes.
55.Your mom never packed any school lunch for you, she just gave you a loaded shotgun with the words: "bring back what you don't eat at school son"!
56.You hated school because they forced you to wear shoes there.
57.You hated school...all three years of it!
58.You think MC Donald's trainees get a high level of education.
59.You didn't cry when Bambis mother got shot, you just wondered what caliber gun was used.
60.You wonder why they killed them nice looking local boys in Deliverance.
61.You wonder why cow tipping ain't an Olympic event.
62.You think freshening up for a date means eating a tic-tac.
63.You get mad when you learn that no pigs are allowed in the movie theatre.
64.You're commuting to work in an airboat.
65.You think of snakes as "good eating".
66.You get married, and everyone at the reception has the same last name as you.
67.You can't take your darling to a nice restaurant, "cuz of them pesky livestock rules they have there".
68.You laugh, when someone says that all sheep look alike.
69.You have killed a ram "cuz he looked too long at your main squeeze"!
70.You stir dog food and your own food with the same spoon, and you don't care in which order you do it.
71.You drive to a K- mart to shop for wedding, graduation and prom clothes.
72.You think a night on the town is best spent on the back of a pick up truck.
73.You decide if your wife or your best hound will ride in the cab or in the back of your pick up truck with a coin toss.
74.You got married at thirteen and no one in the family said anything about it.
75.You think they play to few good banjo tunes on that MTV.
76.You think Newt Gingrich is a great statesman, only surpassed by Ross Perot in diplomatic skills.
77.You don't get any of David Letterman's jokes.
78.You think George Bush JR "is a smart dude".
79.You think fishing is best done with dynamite.
80.Your boat has a gun rack.
81.You don't drink whiskey "if it's store bought".
82.You get homesick when you smell a sewage treatment plant.
83.You must drive to your nearest neighbor if you want to reach them that same day.
84.You don't think the phrase; "hurricane's are gods answer to trailer parks" is funny.
85. You're twelve, and your grandpa is forty-two.
86.Your mom's grocery list reads: Crisco 5 Gallons, Hominy grits 60 lbs and 308 Winchester 5000 rounds.
87.You got hungry when you dissected the frog in biology class.
88.Your truck weighs more than your house.
89.You can't say how many dogs you own "cuz you can't count that far".
90.You buy more gun oil then shampoo.
91.Your family's BBQ grill has been burning longer then the Olympic
flame.
92.Your wife cleans out your truck and it weighs 80lbs less afterwards.
93.You think of rusty car wrecks as essential lawn accessories.
94.You get in to serious trouble if your underwear doesn't have a seat flap.
95.You owned several guns before you got your first wristwatch.
96.You killed your first coon before you could ride a bike.
97. You always say, "I'll be back in a week if the weather holds honey!" when you go to the store.
98.You are the most frightening thing in the swamp where you live.
99.Your mother always said "if you git too clean you'll git sick"!
100.You're buried in a t-shirt that says: "Bubbas discount funerals".
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. |
