Ted Toth
Elite Veteran
Location: Myrtle Beach S.C.
| 201.Your family and neighbors have a rotating schedule for lookout duty.
202.You have a nuclear war survival kit by the front door.
203.You have said, "pull my finger" at a job interview.
204.Your wine club meetings end with the members flattening the paper containers.
205.You always say, "this country has been going downhill since women got the right to vote".
206.Your high schools yearly "enhance your mind museum trip", takes you to the world's largest ball of twine museum.
207.Your mail is delivered by helicopter once a month.
208.Your only clothes without any logos are bought thru mail order.
209.Your father's life lessons to you were: don't pee on electric fences, don't spit tobacco in a strong headwind and don't smoke while siphoning gas.
210.You think fine Italian cuisine means: nuked macaroni and cheese.
211.Your local MC Donald's has a button just for you on their drive thru cash register.
212. You can name thirty shotgun brands, but you can't name more then three former presidents, and two of those appear on money.
213.Your mom met your dad when she was arm wrestling trucker's at Hooters.
214.You say: "I can see it has many cup holders and that's important as hell, but where's the spittoons?" to your local pick-up truck dealer.
215.Your kids dress as Janet Reno on Halloween.
216.You crushed beer cans on your forehead at your fiftieth birthday party.
217.You know how many squirrels it takes to feed six hungry kinfolk.
218.You think "formal dinner" means "wear pants".
219.You don't trust "them new electric washing machines".
220.Your family is the reason scientists are so sure inbreeding is a bad, bad thing.
221.You know how to prepare and make over two hundred BBQ recipes, but you can't boil an egg on an electric stove.
222.Your family has put five parole officer's children thru college.
223.Your sons Boy Scout group recycled so many of their father's beer cans, that they could afford to rent a stripper.
224.You have a trench running from your front door to a pillbox at the beginning of your driveway.
225.Your neighborhood has a "fed's afoot" early warning siren.
226.You couldn't see what was so upsetting with that "documentary about the sealskin industry".
227.Your favorite store sells only one kind of yogurt but have all major brands of beer and every brand of chewing tobacco there is.
228.Your wife got attracted to you when she saw your cute butt crack for the first time.
229.Your aquarium doubles as a beer cooler.
230.Your mom's herbal garden is illegal in fifty states.
231.You have (dead drunk) driven a tractor with the tillage still down through town.
232.Your funny stories always begin with, "I was **** faced" and end with "then the sheriff shut the cell door".
233.You have the immense honor of occupying the highest office in the land, and you fool around with interns at work.
234.Your life would be complete if looking at your gun collection could sexually arouse your wife too.
235.You think having a steady girlfriend is morally sound, so your girlfriends never weigh less then three hundred pounds.
236.You can't wait to see the next John Deer spring clothing line.
237.You say hunting from your truck is more efficient.
238.Your CB radio has a range of seven hundred miles but the truck it's mounted in only gets seventy miles on one tank of gas.
239.You didn't notice that someone had dumped a car wreck on your lawn for a whole year "cuz it blended in with the others".
240.Your gun collection is worth over thirty thousand dollars and you have been on welfare all your life.
241.You'll never read this list, if someone doesn't publish it in guns 'n ammo.
242.You haven't wondered why people who read playboy "for the articles" never put those up on their walls instead of the pictures.
243.You agree with the saying "idle hands are the devils playground", so you are always fiddling around with your hunting knife.
244.You have a VIP parking space outside the bait shop.
245.You have been entrusted to be the foremost representative of your country, and you play grab-ass with interns.
246.You watch the Frasier show just to see what that funny little dog will do.
247.Your Boy Scout troop had award patches with names like "killer of possums", "grade A catcher of bass" and "first class spotter of fed's".
248.Your church has a drive in entrance, an armed guard and a concession stand.
249.You have ever deep-fried a five-pound bass whole.
250.Your favorite diner has a "puke guard" on the buffet table.
251.Your favorite sermon is, "make the NRA lobby more powerful almighty god".
252.Your friends make up twenty-five percent of the FBI's most wanted list.
253.Your toastmaster duty's at a friend's wedding included storing the guest's guns.
254.You have ever had a bag of dirty underwear get drug screened at an airport, and the drug sniffing dog died.
255.Your favorite prayer ends, "and deliver us from the FBI almighty god, amen".
256.You think a bomb is a valid way of making a statement about the federal taxes.
257.Your grandpa could have taken the first space jumps instead of the monkeys, if he had only beaten them in the written exams.
258.Your mailman gets hazardous duty compensation.
259.Your brother painted "UN" on your white truck as a prank, and your neighbors all shot at it when you drove it home.
260.You were voted "most likely to die while coon hunting" in high school.
261.Your priest drinks at least a six-pack of Bud during a normal Sunday sermon.
262.Your favorite weekend hangout uses bouncers that wear riot gear.
263.You think track and field has something to do with Armour exercises.
264.Your phone makes weird clicking noises and pizzas are being delivered to a nondescript van down the street.
265.You're considered a greater threat to national security then Moammar Gadhafi.
266.Your wife thinks there's a commandment that goes, "thou shall not mess with your man's vehicles".
267.Your high school guidance counselor quit after learning that you had younger brothers.
268.You buy ready-made food but you always hand reload your ammunition.
269.You disowned your daughter for wearing a "stop cruelty to animals" button.
270.You dress up as Elvis to get your wife ready for some sweet loving, and it works!
271.Your local pizza place forces their delivery drivers to wear bulletproof vests.
272.Your high school guidance counselor had nightmares about you for years.
273.Your wife owns mumu's for all occasions, including hunting (camo pattern), boating (sewed in flotation devises) and winter use (insulated).
274.You once yelled "coons afoot" at a hoedown while telling a story and five people died in the crossfire that ensued.
275.You were voted "most likely to end up in a federal pen" in high school.
276.You know the name of the president's cat, but you don't know what NAFTA is.
277.You use an old mumu your wife has discarded as a car cover.
278.Your only source for political information is The Tonight Show.
279.You can name thirteen types of mud, but only one kind of soap.
280.Your most valuable high school lesson was, "coon-meat don't keep in a locker".
281.Your high school commissary "cool table" had a built in spittoon.
282.You only had to learn one knot in the boy scouts, the hanging noose.
283.Your grandma is the state tobacco-spitting champion.
284.You mount a bright-red heavy machinegun on the roof of your fortified log cabin to get in to the spirit of Christmas.
285.You think that Monica Lewinsky would be a hot babe if she put on a few pounds.
286.Your ultimate life's dream is to be a Redman's and Budweiser sponsored monster truck driver.
286.Your kids can spot a federal agent in a large crowd within seconds.
287.You think tractor pulling is the sport of kings.
288.Your wife is the spitting image of your favorite wrestler, Billy "the blob" Bob.
289.You save so you can afford to go on a pilgrimage to Graceland before you die.
290.You think Adolphus Busch, Samuel Colt and Stephen Dill Lee should have been depicted on Mount Rushmore "instead of them other
guys".
291.Your house would make a crater twenty feet deep and three hundred feet across if it would ever catch on fire.
292.Your kids cry and refuse to go to school on career day.
293.You ever have brought a can of cheese wiz to a potluck picnic.
294.Your favorite restaurant is required to dump all their excess food on a state regulated toxic waste dump.
295.You call a guy with less then four car wrecks on his property a neat freak.
296.You have strong misgivings about a man's masculinity if he "don't kill stuff" on a regular basis.
297.You think a real woman should be able to skin a coon in less than five minutes.
298. You can operate very complicated heavy machinery, but you don't know how the washing machine works.
299.You think four wheeling thru virgin forest country is to "utilize America's natural assets in an optimal way".
300.You think the periodic table is that little almanac you wife keeps to herself.
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. |
